She's fighting a losing battle, but Carol Schwartz is giving the D.C. City Council hell. To combat the District's proposed smoking ban, she's proposed an alcohol ban, based primarily on the exact same arguments. Schwartz probably has a stronger argument, considering nobody has ever been killed by someone driving under the influence of too many cigarettes.

With a wink and a smirk, D.C. Council member Carol Schwartz (R-At Large) introduced legislation today to ban all alcohol in the District.

Schwartz, the leading opponent of a proposed smoking ban in District bars and restaurants, applied the same arguments made by anti-smoking activists to defend an alcohol ban.

Imitation may be considered flattery, but Schwartz's tongue-in-cheek comments showed it can also be used as an effective political skewer.

"People are still free to drink at home -- for now," she said as she introduced her bill, the Worker Occupational Safety and Health Amendment Act of 2005, Part II, at today's council session. "I'm just legislating that liquor cannot be served in bars, restaurants and nightclubs because I don't want it to be served. I will allow teas, sodas and milk -- for now. And if the drinkers insist on drinking alcohol -- and they will -- they can just step outside on sidewalks with their flasks and drink." [...]

"We all know that bartenders and waitstaff are constantly harassed by drinking customers. Bouncers are even beaten up by drunks. I care about these workers and their safety," Schwartz said, while her colleagues chuckled and hid their face in their hands.

"Yes, I come to you a changed woman," Schwartz said, her voice oozing sarcasm. "It had just never occurred to me that I could simply choose to ban a legal choice for consenting adults in a private place where the public does not have to go and where workers do not have to work."

"I'm also now looking at some other legal choices to ban -- like driving or sex -- for they, too, can be dangerous to your health and the health of others."

After the council session ended a few hours later, Schwartz withdrew the bill, declaring, "I had a point to make and I made it."

Maybe she should be careful what she wishes for. After all, the Onion had no idea people would actually sue junk food companies for making them fat.