In a last-ditch effort to attract America's military and financial aid, the Democratic Republic of Congo elected Saddam Hussein President yesterday. "We are confident that Saddam Hussein will be able to straighten out our country." winked outgoing President Joseph Kabila. He rushed on, "This monster will stop our people from killing one another so that we may begin the task of killing Americans." Afterwards, he quickly covered up his face with a handkerchief and coughed loudly while his chest shook.

After composing himself, Mr. Kabila said that while Saddam Hussein had not officially arrived in the country, his luggage had and "it smelled funny, like plutonium and anthrax mixed together in a horrendous dirty bomb destined to destroy the infidels of the world." He went on to say, "Regrettably, Congo Air lost the luggage but we suspect it is somewhere in northeast Congo, in the midst of the heaviest tribal genocide."

Mr. Kabila also announced the expulsion of all UN observers but had high praise for the exiting French. "We will miss the French people, and their staunch loyalty and delicious toast."

President Bush is expected to hold a news conference later today announcing troop movements to the central African region.