Category Archives: Dumb Criminals (177)

Armed felons working security?

I question the accuracy of this report from the Washington Post, which claims that an armed felon was riding in the elevator with Obama. (Though the claim comes from a politician not the report itself.)

I’m surprised that any strangers would be permitted to ride the elevator with him. Seems like the Secret Service would clear it out of any non-essentials and hijack the elevator for the duration of the ride. (I’ve actually had this happen to me when riding the elevator and it was needed by a so-called VIP.)

What is even more surprising is that an alleged convicted felon was hired as an armed guard. Providing guns to felons is a crime itself and any private security firm would need to do a thorough criminal background check prior to hiring someone in such a position.

A security contractor with a gun and three prior convictions for assault and battery was allowed on an elevator with President Obama during a Sept. 16 trip to Atlanta, violating Secret Service protocols, according to three people familiar with the incident. . .

“You have a convicted felon within arm’s reach of the president and they never did a background check,” (Rep. Jason Chaffetz, R-Utah) said.

Perhaps Chaffetz doesn’t have his facts straight or was just trying to score political points. It’s worth noting that another report from the Washington Examiner doesn’t report that the guy was a felon.

UPDATE: We were right to question the validity of the Washington Post report. They’ve since retracted their claim that the security guard had a criminal record. Our apologies to the guard, whom we hear lost his job because of this kerfuffle.

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Why not hang a ‘No Bank Robberies’ sign

Say Uncle notes that banks are once again asking bank robbers to remove their hats and sunglasses before robbing the bank.

Responding to a more than one-third hike in bank robbery, the Florida Bankers Association is urging its members to adopt new rules.

Not additional guards or cameras, but a dress code for customers.

The group rolled out a “No Hats, No Hoods, No Sunglasses” program, which includes lobby signs asking customers to remove those items before approaching a teller.

Those who refuse would be directed to an area with more security or a more experienced teller.

And those who refuse to drop their shotguns will be directed to the vault. I say once again, because we reported on this back in 2002, at least twice.

Some even theorized that crooks would be dumb enough to comply:

“FBI Special Agent Dave Burlew said it could make some robbers think twice and could give authorities a full view of a robber’s face from security images…”

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Never Stand Between Clearwater’s Finest and his Lunch

An elderly grandmother in Clearwater Florida ordered her McDonalds fries without salt. Naturally this means cooking a whole new batch of fries and can take some time. Since she was in the drive thru, this meant that the police officer sitting behind her would have to wait too.

Well apparently he didn’t like that, because he arrested her for it.

(75-year old Jean) Merola was handcuffed behind her back and put in the cruiser. Another officer arrived and took her to the Pinellas County Jail .

Merola said she was searched, photographed and fingerprinted.

“All right. Come out with your hands up, two cups of coffee, an auto freshener that says Capricorn, and something with coconut on it!” — Springfield Police Chief Wiggum

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Keelhaul the Scurvy Dogs

So a pair of maggot infested Australian hippies attacked a Japanese research vessel they claim was illegally killing whales.

Australian citizen Benjamin Potts and British citizen Giles Lane, both members of the Sea Shepherd Conservation Society, jumped on board the Yushin Maru No. 2 Tuesday to deliver a letter saying the vessel was violating international law and Australian law by killing whales.

But apparently the Japanese weren’t violating international law. The Australians were. According to the often reliable Wikipedia:

Maritime piracy, according to the United Nations Convention on the Law of the Sea (UNCLOS) of 1982, consists of any criminal acts of violence, detention, or depredation committed for private ends by the crew or the passengers of a private ship or aircraft that is directed on the high seas against another ship, aircraft, or against persons or property on board a ship or aircraft.

To me, forcefully boarding a ship at high seas without the Captain’s permission sounds a lot like piracy. And the penalty for piracy is (or used to be) death.

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Poster Child for Tort Reform

What happens when you give inmates free access to the legal system? You get stupid shit like this:

Embattled NFL quarterback Michael Vick, facing federal charges related to his alleged participation in dogfighting, has been hit with a “$63,000,000,000 billion dollar” lawsuit filed by a South Carolina inmate who alleges the Atlanta Falcons star stole his pit bulls and sold them on eBay to buy “missiles from Iran.”

Inmates get bored pretty quickly and commonly file lawsuits as a form of entertainment.

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That’s right, I said it

I bet it was her time of the month:

A woman who told authorities she was fed up with tailgaters pulled out a gun and shot at the tires of a pickup that got too close, police said. Officials believe the bullet missed the pickup, and no one was hurt.”She said she was tired of people tailgating her,” Macomb County Sheriff Mark Hackel said.

Headd, who had a permit to carry a concealed weapon, was charged with assault with a deadly weapon, discharge of a firearm from a vehicle and use of a firearm during a felony.

Via Bitch Girls.

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Don’t fuck with Americans

Statistics show that generally speaking you are better off resisting an attack than succumbing to it. Sure, a mugger may just take your wallet and leave. Or he may shoot you in the back of the head to make sure there are no witnesses. You just don’t know.

And a group of senior citizens in Costa Rica wasn’t about to wait to find out.

A tour bus of U.S. senior citizens defended themselves against a group of alleged muggers, sending two of them fleeing and killing a third in the Atlantic coast city of Limon, police said on Thursday.

One of the tourists _ a retired member of the U.S. military aged about 70 _ put assailant Warner Segura in a head lock and broke his clavicle after the 20-year-old and two other men armed with a knife and gun held up their tour bus Wednesday, said Luis Hernandez, the police chief of Limon, 80 miles east of San Jose.

The two other men fled when the 12 senior citizens started defending themselves. The tourists then drove Segura to the Red Cross where the man was declared dead. The Red Cross also treated one of the tourists for an anxiety attack, Hernandez said.

The tourists left on their Carnival cruise after the incident and Hernandez said authorities do not plan to press any charges against them, saying they acted in self defense.

“They were in their right to defend themselves after being held up,” Hernandez said.

Hernandez said Segura had previous charges against him for assaults.

Five bucks says he was a Marine. (And why am I reminded of Gene Hackman’s road rage incident?)

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Anyone for Squash?

Today’s Lesson: Never Rob a Hummer Owner.

(Click for Video)

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World’s Smallest Violin

Warren Messner and three other teens were convicted for beating Michael Roberts, a homeless man, to death. Messner was sentenced to 22 years in prison without the possibility of parole for jumping up and down on the mans chest, crushing his ribs. He showed no remorse at his trial, but after a few months in jail Messner’s tune has changed.

He didn’t feel bad then, but he does now. He has been in juvenile detention for eight months, locked in a small cell and occasionally allowed to go to class.

Messner and his attorney said he has already learned his lesson and is ready to go home to help others.

Reminds me of Raising Arizona:

Ed McDonnough: You mean you busted out of jail.
Evelle: No, ma’am. We released ourselves on our own recognizance.
Gale: What my brother here means to say is that we felt that the institution no longer had anything to offer us.

“I want to be an inspirational speaker for troubled teens,” he said Monday.

Messner got the lightest sentence of the four boys. Teens Jeffrey Spurgeon, Justin Stearns and Christopher Scamahorn got 27 to 35 years. They all cut plea deals to avoid life in prison.

The state attorney said that’s as much leniency as they should get and the judge agreed.

“I can’t think of some reason to change the sentence. I’m going to deny the motion,” said the Hon. Joseph Will.

Messner’s parents broke down at the denial. His mother said it’s unfair, that her son fell in with a bad crowd and prison is killing him.

“He’s not getting the mental health, the schooling. He’s not getting anything, anything but locked in a cell all day long,” Lori Messner said.

Michael Roberts could not be reached for comment.

The judge and the state both argued that being deprived services and being locked away is precisely the point of prison. Warren Messner will spend the next 22 years in prison without the chance for parole.

It reminds me of HBO’s America Undercover look at life inside of Lewisburg Federal Penitentiary. Their interview of an inmate went something like this:

INMATE: I believe that if you forgive yourself in the eyes of the Lord, than you should be set free of your bonds. And I’ve forgiven myself for what I’ve done, I’ve made amends, I think that I should be set free.

INTERVIEWER: What are you in for?

INMATE: [with a straight face] Triple murder. But I must have blacked out during that third murder, because they say I stabbed my sister 27 times and I only remember cutting her throat.

Cross posted at Dumb Criminals.

Posted in Dumb Criminals | 5 Comments

Felonization of America

Since when did taking $15 worth of produce from a garbage can become a felony. Two members of the Rainbow Family were given 6 months in jail for stealing food from a dumpster behind a grocery store. They had faced felony charges.

Charle and Siller were charged with felony second-degree burglary and misdemeanor theft. As part of a plea agreement reached with Assistant District Attorney Kerry St. James, the men agreed to plead guilty to misdemeanor trespass in exchange for having the felony they were facing dismissed.

Now I’ve only ever heard of Steamboat Springs as a ski resort town. It’s a little early for skiing, but it could just be that the local bourgeoisie don’t want long haired maggot infested hippies digging through the trash.


Then again, there’s this:

Don Wirtshafter, an attorney in Ohio who represented many of the Rainbow Family members who were charged with crimes during the gathering in Routt County. . .

As much as I too hate long-haired maggot-infested, no-good commie pinko peaceniks, digging through the trash should never be a felony. If so the jails would be filled with tabloid journalists.

Cross posted at Dumb Criminals.

Posted in Dumb Criminals | 4 Comments

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